It seems as I grow older, I start to care less and less about the Academy Awards or all types of self-congratulatory events. Seriously, the Oscars are a joke. It's not even the stuff they nominate (it is a lot of the times though), instead it is the actual ceremony itself. Oh pardon me, I can't believe this thing is actually called a "ceremony." The Olympics, now that's an event, the Oscars are a four hour circle jerk with exceptionally dressed and inexplicably good looking people. Wait a minute, is it really inexplicable? No, not really...it's called botox. Seriously, there's more plastic at these things than there is at a recycling facility. Anyway. I am going off on a tangent here and that's not very nice. My point is well...who cares? Obviously, I do to some degree, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this blog and wasting your time, but I have a few issues I would like to address.
Let me preface this by saying, I do derive some enjoyment from the Oscars. I recall the first time I watched them and that was in fourth grade. My love for movies was sort of starting at this time and well, I couldn't help but be entranced by the gorgeous dresses. I am pretty certain I was the only kid in my grade who watched it, probably the entire school as well. You gotta admit that is sort of impressive, for no other than reason than trying to grasp how an eleven year-old could have the attention span to tolerate this kind of torture? Perhaps it was a propensity for self-loathing and the pleasure that comes with that, anyway, moving on. I somehow was very entertained by the whole thing and as the years went on, not unlike my sexual urges, my interest in it faded. For me, it's all about the host now and sometimes even they don't deliver, yes I am talking to you Billy "Botox" Crystal. My primary problem with the oscars is the very nature of its existence. Why does this matter? Best Picture? Best Actor? Best Actress? Best Director? That's all I hear, best, best, best!!!! What in pluperfect hell does that even mean? I think it's pretty safe to say that no matter what wins best picture, no on will be completely satisfied. I sure as hell won't be. I mean, Crash???!!! Chicago????!!!! Did blind people and/or the hearing impaired vote that year? When you consider the panel of judges are a bunch of 80-year-old white, impotent, and senile men, well, I wouldn't be very much surprised. But enough venting, I apologize to all the old, white, impotent and senile guys who may be reading this. My beef with the Oscars is why take something subjective and make it objective. My philosophy in regards to art is very simple and frankly I think rather effective. Simply put, there is no "best" in art, no matter how much you'd like there to be and that's why I abhor the word like I do hipsters. The word you are looking for is "favorite." Unfortunately, people seem to loathe that word, not to mention "best" suggests a certain level of importance, arrogance and boldness that "favorite" lacks. I laugh when I hear celebrities getting mad over the fact that they didn't receive a nomination, cause I am like, REALLY??!! Oh poor you! Of all the problems you have, perhaps a wardrobe malfunction is more serious or maybe they just need another botox injection. Sorry, I can't refrain from the botox jokes. I apologize to all botox users reading this as well. I look forward to your emails, I do. Please send me a picture as well. But, honestly, when did we get so caught up in the superficial smugness and self-importance of Hollywood? Believe me, I haven't. When did awards become so important? Why do we value them so much? Can you believe there are people who base their opinions on the number of awards a film wins? Or the number of grammys an artist wins? Enough!!!! Yes, sure, I'll probably end up watching the show, but only to see what tricks Seth MacFarlane will put out of his ass. We pretty much know the winner anyway, I mean, that's another thing, there's no unpredictability to these things, like elections, this shit is rigged. If you don't think Daniel Day-Lewis is going to win, well then you're a bigger dreamer than I am. I love the man, but I am like, oh come on.
A filmmaker I greatly respect by the name of William Friedkin said of the Oscars, it's "the greatest promotion scheme that any industry ever devised for itself." The guy was onto something Seriously, this thing is more about marketing than politics is about deceiving. When did marketing become more important than the quality of filmmaking? I mentioned politics, well of course, because there's a political system to the Oscars as well. I find it hilarious that actors, directors and studios "campaign" their movies during oscar season. I mean, like for real? "Campaign?" This is to win a goddamn golden statue, not to find a cure for AIDS. Believe me folks, I sometimes wonder why I have any interest whatsoever working in Hollywood. There are street vendors in New York who don't sell shit this fake. I obviously can't speak for all of Hollywood because surely not everyone in Hollywood cares that much about their acne. But everyone has a breaking point and perhaps I have reached mine. It's also their selections, I mean how many times can Meryl Streep be nominated? Yes, she's wonderful, no one is disputing this, but every time she makes a movie, she gets nominated. The Iron Lady, please, more like the The "so much make up Is hampering my face I can't even crack a smile so I'll just do the accent and everyone will call it brilliant lady." Think of all the great films that never achieve any recognition whatsoever, and no I am not just talking about the ones in funny languages. The Deep Blue Sea was a great film, but no one has probably heard of it, yet it stars Rachel Weisz. Holy Motors was as inventive and wonderful as anything I saw in a theatre last year, but it's *gasp* foreign, no one can pronounce the director's name and on top of that it's French and German. And we all know how America feels about the French. So instead Hollywood chooses to acknowledge the frenchiest thing they can stomach, Les Miserable (yes I spelled it wrong on purpose). By the way, what's up with the love for musicals? Yes, I am aware a substantial amount of Hollywood is gay, but was there really nothing else out there??
So, if I have not offended you already and you have not stopped reading, you are probably wondering then, well Daniel, you smart ass...what are your Oscar picks? And my answer is...who gives two shits? I am sorry, that's not very thoughtful, but I find little to care about. Sure, I have my preferences, but so does everybody, and well, that's all that matters. It doesn't matter what a bunch of 80 year-old white, impotent and senile (in that order) guys think. Obviously Day-Lewis will win Best Actor. I think Lawrence may win Actress, but Chastain or Riva may surprise her. The Best Director award is ridiculous cause the guy who made the likely best picture winner *cough cough* Argo, isn't even bloody nominated. Of all the best picture nominees, Zero Dark Thirty is by far my choice, but Bigelow is a woman, and since Hollywood feels they addressed sexism by awarding her already, well you can say goodbye to that her and her movie (not to mention the torture controversy that was surrounding it probably didn't do anyone favors). Therein lies the major problem, how do you judge and compare such radically different films, performances, etc? We can debate this for hours upon end, but there's no right or wrong. If I had my way, P.T. Anderson would sweep this damn thing, but he wasn't even recognized, but like me, he is probably laughing his ass off about all of this and is more likely worrying about the fourth kid he's got coming. Alas...I digress.
In conclusion, as you and your family gather to watch the Oscars on Sunday, just remember, it's all for shits and giggles. Obviously I don't care about what Anne Hathaway is wearing, but that may likely and regrettably be more fascinating than what transpires in the proceeding 5 hours. I hope Seth tears these folks a new asshole, cause well these people need that. I can't believe the amount of backlash Gervais got after his hosting stint and he could've been a lot more uh..."controversial." Not to mention it's a joke, it's all played for laughs, but apparently certain folks take themselves a wee bit too seriously. Or maybe it's just so hard to laugh from all the botox injections (sorry it was too easy). I don't mean to criticize every single actor or filmmaker because there are quite a few of them whom I admire and adore, but I don't think losing an award is the worst thing that can happen to you, especially when you can return to your mansion in Beverly Hills afterwards. So, don't feel so bad for the so called "losers." If you want to feel good about yourself, just remember that you went to college and have a degree, unlike half of the people who will be in attendance at the show. Alas, I've had my say, so let's just see what happens. Don't even get me started on the "In Memoriam" part of the show, because they'll likely forgot all the people worth remembering (as they have in the past). Stay tuned for some serious venting next week after the fake apocalypse ensues Sunday night. Cheers.
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